Michelle Wolf

Michelle Wolf

Comedian Michelle Wolf delivered a searing, risque monologue at the annual White House Correspondents Dinner in Washington D.C. last night, skewering everyone from Jake Tapper to Megyn Kelly but eviscerating Donald Trump, his family, and his staff.

“All right, this has been long,” Wolf said, beginning her remarks. “Here we are at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Like a porn star says with a Trump, ‘Let’s get this over with.’”

Trump was not there.

Remarked Wolf: “I would drag him here myself, but it turns out that the President of the United States is the one pussy you’re not allowed to grab.”

But Sarah Huckabee Sanders was there, and sat on stage absorbing Wolf’s speech.

“I loved you as Aunt Lydia in ‘A Handmaid’s Tale,’” Wolf said, referring to a character who has been described as ” the calculatingly cruel mistress of the Red Center, is the horrifying pinnacle of lawful evil: a true believer who has convinced herself that her obsession with control, in ways that are often both physically and psychologically torturous, is for the greater good.”

Added Wolf: “Every time Sarah steps up to the podium, I get excited. I’m not really sure what we’re going to get, you know? A press briefing, a bunch of lies or divided into softball teams. ‘It’s shirts and skins, and this time don’t be such a little bitch, Jim Acosta.’”

She continued: “I actually really like Sarah. I think she’s very resourceful. But she burns facts and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smokey eye. Like maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s lies. It’s probably lies..”

Of the vice president, she said: “Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn’t gay.”

She added: “He thinks abortion is murder. Which first of all don’t knock it till you try it. And when you do try it, really knock it, you gotta get that baby out of there. And yeah, sure, you can groan all you want, I know a lot of you are very anti-abortion, you know, unless it’s the one you got for your secret mistress.”

Of Ivanka, she said: “She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out she’s about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. She’s done nothing to satisfy women. So I guess, like father like daughter….She does clean up nice, though. Ivanka cleans up nice. She’s the diaper genie of the administration. On the outside she looks sleek, but the inside, it’s still full of sh*t.”

Of Kellyanne Conway, Wolf said: “Man, she has the perfect name for what she does. Conway. It’s like if my last name was Michelle tells-jokes-frizzy-hair-small-tits…ou guys have to stop putting Kellyanne on your shows. All she does is lie. If you don’t give her a platform, she has nowhere to lie. If a tree falls in the woods, how do we get Kellyanne under that tree? I’m not suggesting she gets hurt. Just stuck. Stuck under a tree.”

Trump tweeted about the dinner on Sunday morning: “While Washington, Michigan, was a big success, Washington, D.C., just didn’t work. Everyone is talking about the fact that the White House Correspondents Dinner was a very big, boring bust…the so-called comedian really “bombed.” should host next year!

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was infuriated.

Spicer told The Guardian: “It was absolutely disgusting. The idea that people clapped at that. It’s one thing to celebrate the first amendment but that, tonight, was one of the most disgusting and deplorable things I’ve ever heard in my life. The language, the references were way over the line…The idea that viewers at home listened to that. I think they have a very distorted view for what the first amendment’s all about. There are a lot of reporters on that dais that brought her here that should answer for that.”

Watch:

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